Do as I say, not as I do

As much as I tout the “accept yourself just as you are” mentality here and elsewhere in my life, I’m going to swallow my pride and admit that I don’t practice what I preach when it comes to me – not lately, anyway. In the midst of trying antidepressants for my anxiety and depression, weight gain has become an unwanted side effect. It should be noted that antidepressants do not cause weight gain in all patients and incidence of weight gain varies by individual and medication. Prior to taking Paxil, weight gain was not a concern for me. Once I started taking that, however, I felt like I was inflating like a helium baloon. I made the mistake of reading people’s horror stories about massive weight gain while on Paxil, and I flipped. I told my psychiatrist I wanted off the medication right away, and he agreed. I’ve steadily added a couple more pounds while on Zoloft, gaining a total of 10-15 pounds from what was my set-point weight for over two years. I’m pissed.

I have upped the exercise and done everything short of starving myself to stabalize the creeping numbers on the scale. Now, I know you might be saying, “Why are you stepping on the scale, anyway?” I can’t help it. It’s torture if I do and it’s torture if I don’t. I know I have put on weight by the way my body looks, feels, and the way clothes fit on me. I might as well know how much.

This is obviously not a good situation for someone with an eating disorder. Basically, I am freaking out. My brain is spinning with obsessive thoughts about food: Should I eat? How much? Will I lose weight if I cut down a bit? How long before I lose this damn weight? What do I have to do to lose this weight and feel (more) comfortable in my body again?

I’m seriously considering going off medication altogether in hopes that my body will return to “normal” when the chemicals leave my system. I am confused and frustrated. I am also scared of what I might do in the meantime. Most of the time I have a grip on myself, but it’s the times when I feel like I’ll lose it that I feel I’ll relinquish control and let my eating disorder take over. I’ve come so close already. What will happen if the switch is flipped? I don’t know if I’ll necessarily fight it. I don’t know if I will be able. This is not a threat, nor a promise. It simply is, as my mind works, my state of mind.